I am feeling so low today. Overwhelming wave crashing my everything.
My head is troubled, my heart is unsettled.
This glorious sadness.

Can you make me feel better. I can’t run. They are everywhere. I see them.
I am scared. You need to protect me.

#onbeingaleader

Not just an average jargon.
Carries a heavy weight of being a mentor, teacher, friend, confidant, sister, great listener.

One way or another, I try my best to elevate people up throughout my entire career.
The reason I want power, is because I want to change how management is done.
I want to tell people, we don’t have to lie to people, or manage them.
They can manage themselves – I just need to be sincere in grooming them, or helping them learn.
From there, we weed off good ones and bad ones. There’s no perfect ones. Including myself.

To always help the marginalised, the group who don’t own their own voices.
Who can’t speak up for themselves – those who can’t summon their courage to do so.
To those who think they can’t – to help them believe they can.

But who helps me, who mentors me, who listens to me, who is my friend, who is my confidant.

#mood

Why do I do, just as you say,
Why must I just, give you your way
Why do I sigh, why don’t I try, to forget
It must have been, that something lovers call fate
Kept me saying, “I have to wait”
I saw them all, just couldn’t fall, ’til we met
It had to be you, it had to be you
I wandered around, and finally found, the somebody who
Could make me be true, and could make me be blue
And even be glad, just to be sad, thinking of you
Some others I’ve seen, might never be mean
Might never be cross, or try to be boss, but they wouldn’t do
For nobody else, gave me a thrill,
With all your faults, I love you still

Pain is to be carried, can’t be gotten over with.

I miss you long time, we all miss you long time.
Like a huge white elephant – we just don’t say it.
Happy Father’s Day papa, sending all the love in the world for you.
Send back some to me.

Some days are just harder than the rest.

I’ve been thinking about the way the world turns,
and my stomach churns.
When it finally hits me out of the sky,
I knew this day would come I’m on the front line.

Don’t know how to take it in, is love just suffering?
Cause I can see where the chapter ends
I’ve got autumn leaves and heartbreak dreams inside, inside…
Cause you and and me on this frozen sea we slide, slide….

I’ll wait all on my own like a flower in the snow,
With just my shadow following me out into the cold,
Where I walk past the trees to look for my love.

And its got me wondering, is love just suffering?
Cause I can see where the chapter ends
I’ve got autumn leaves and heartbreak dreams inside, inside…
Cause you and and me on this frozen sea we slide, slide….

My light house

The moment i saw dad lying motionless on the hospital bed, my stomach flipped

I fully understood the meaning of losing him, Every second i prayed that he woke up. Because if he didn’t, there was no future.
And he didn’t.

It has been two years now. Still feels like the same raw pain.
Still feels like the same emptiness. Still feeling the same feeling of no one looking out for me.

Still can’t think of you without crying like a ugly person.
Still can’t talk about you. Still talk about you when we say grace before dinner. Still can’t be alone. Still can’t fix this.

I miss you papa. So much.I miss you.

When there’s nothing to look back to.

Enroute to China, there was a technical error with the plane I was flying on.

I didn’t freak out at all, a firm believer of ” If God loves me more, I welcome the love”.
We landed for the plane to be fixed.

Second time out, I texted my brother – gave him access to my life, directed him to do the necessary if I go.

While I was about to land in China, I realised that – I’m ready to die. Don’t think there’s anything to look back to in life, except for having kids, and my family&dog. Nothing in life really mattered as much.

I was actually at peace with the fact that I might be dying. Because I know that I’ll see papa. I can spend time with him, tell him about all the experiences I have had, in a world there’s no pain or heartbreak. But first, just to hear that he loves me still.

I am probably just super fucked up, or just really living life like everyday is my last.

God, if you can touch any part of my heart – teach me to love my life here on earth while i breathe. To take care of mom and family while i can.. So.much.pain.today.

For my mother;

I pray that God, you bless my mother, with many kind souls to surround her. To help her with the loneliness she she faces on a daily basis. I pray that you grant her wisdom, to deal with all her children – especially me. I pray that you bless her, and keep her safe. I pray that you help her navigate the rest of her life, and also help her with guiding us, as both a mother and a father at the same time, because since you took him away. There’s has nothing been emptiness in her life, and in ours too.

And help her have courage to be alone.