Monthly Archives: September 2013

Finishing Line.

Heart is the place for many. Or for two.  It has many walls and barriers and it has holes too. Some area shines brighter than the rest. There are also dull patches. But its great. It keeps me alive.

Heart is the place for many. Or for two. It has many walls and barriers and it has holes too. Some area shines brighter than the rest. There are also dull patches. But its great. It keeps me alive.

Writing has always been an outlet. To outpour the chaotic feelings and thoughts of my daily ups and downs. Sometimes it literally feels like I’m talking to the wall, but I love that. Every now and then I get an encouraging statement on the topics,how,what and they way I write – which is splendid too.

Today I’m gonna share a piece of me. A big and rather deep piece of me.

Another milestone in my little tiny life. I realised that I’m alive. And well. And I am brave, courageous and above all I can love again. I previously mentioned that I can’t access certain big, makes-everyone-feel-like-they-are-floating-and flying feelings.

I thought I couldn’t, after my last soul-gripping relationship. I am definitely much colder than before. Fear of losing myself again. Fear of being messy and unglued. But I’m not afraid anymore.

Because this is life right? It’s a package of goodness and badness. Full of hello’s and goodbyes. I cannot change many things in life. But I can choose the choices I make and I’m gonna leap.

The joy I feel is exceeding to the skies. Like I can feel the rain on my skin again.

What do winners do?
They spread the love,hope and happiness.
Here you go, have your cup of happiness too!

I finished one line, and here’s to starting a new one.

When the inner stuffs really matter.

Somehow filled - somehow empty.

Somehow filled – somehow empty.

Those who are broken hearted are the real lucky and blessed ones.

Heart beats fast, colours in the sky and promises. All of my doubts go away somehow when I’m with him. Or – its just because I’m preoccupied.
No – he makes all my doubts go away.

Occasionally, now and then, I find myself terribly lonely. And I feel this numbness inside me. It’s not pain, it’s not sadness. Maybe an accumulation of what I have felt over time. But it’s a kind of numbness.

It makes me realistic about love.

Heart beats fast, colours in the sky and promises.

Becomes.

I’m just excited, its projections in the sky and merely put together alphabets.

I cry now and then out of frustration.Not because I feel lonely.
But at my heart and head. Wondering why are these emotions, seem so inaccessible to me. Why can’t I feel them at all.

Maybe it was all taken away. Or maybe I’m just scared.

Maybe the heart is not in its place anymore. Maybe I’m afraid to fall.

In times like these, I wished I was young again. The ultimate price of ageing – is losing my innocence. Knowing the end product of most things. Losing all my first times. Is this what we term ‘maturity’ ?

If yes, please take it away from me. Let me love wildly again. Let me feel the things I ought to feel.

Maybe this is what we, adults, call – baggage.

Coward. I am.

Like I said;

Those who are broken hearted are the real lucky and blessed ones. Or give me back my youth.

Nothingness

Why. The single word that irritates every molecules in my body if not used at the right time, situation and reason.

I never fancied explaining my actions. In fact, I never explain, in return I do not ask people why or neither do I need an explanation from them for the actions they take or the words said.

Simply because, not everything needs to have a valid reason. And I believe that the ‘why’ question is commonly used because

1) people genuinely cannot understand you/your actions.

So why waste time? But ..

Of course I totally understand that, there is a basic underlying reason why we do certain things or they way we do it, I’m just saying I don’t have to justify everything, every action, every feeling i have inside me.

Like, for me, I love to play in the rain. Sometimes I love to spend time just watch the world go by. I love watching leaves fall, the sunrise and sunset. Or I love when I’m going to the movies alone, or walking in a mall alone.

There is no particular reason why. But I sometimes catch myself explaining or justifying to people whom will never fathom these things or actions.

I love that these little things that I do are meaningless, don’t require alot of thinking but just alot of doing. These actions are stressed-free expressions of action without the weighty consequences.

These are the things I do, that don’t requires approval from anyone. No proposals no standard operating procedures at all. Allows me to totally enjoy myself. In these moments, I apply no pressure on myself hence I become more open, and permeable to new, unfamiliar zones.

However, this is not what we were taught in school. We were taught to only do things that pay the bills. To only do things that has a real written agenda, with proven results.

It serves nothing, but it really does open something inside me. Ironically, I love that I have to do the meaningless to find real meaning in life.

So, why don’t you take some time, to do things that make you tick? No thinking, no explaining, just doing.