Monthly Archives: October 2013

Joys you can count on.

Oh Look! A Happy Face

Oh Look! A Happy Face

1) That flight ticket to paradise.

2) Peanut butter straight from the jar.

3) Kind people.

4) Crossing the finishing line way before estimated time.

5) That 10km run.

6) Almost-rich but not chocolate cake. With chocolate ganache.

7) Wind in my hair.

8) Not working on weekends.

9) Star-gazing.

10) Kissing.

On Loving Men.

Of all the men, I have fell in love with (there are not many by the way), there is one and only, whom. Across all time and places will be the first in my heart.

This man has seen me in my worst and best. He knows all my hidden strengths and also weaknesses.

No, I believe He doesn’t love all of me. Especially my stubbornness – which I unwillingly inherited from him.
I’m sure he don’t love the competitiveness in me. How I get so upset and emotional easily, not mentioning how rigid I could be sometimes. Above all, I’m pretty sure he hates that I like to boss him around – only I can do that – It’s a very special relationship we have.

I really dislike it when he doesn’t give me the space to make mistakes. Or let me be an adult. When he think he is right all the time.

But he is the one who waits at the bus station, look out for my very bus and waves eagerly at me. He is the one who taught me maths – always with a cane in hand. In return, I now teach him how to calculate interest rates – no cane in hand of course. He is the one who accepts me when I fail , and welcomes me when I march my sorry arse home. Also the man who taught me how to ride a bike, and when I fall – He also reminded me that pain is temporary as he cleans my wound with raw alcohol. He said, you should only cry when, someone dies, and where’s there’s no food.

My father. He is.

I would like to think that I’m living life the ‘right’ way. Putting family first and money last. But when I make decisions, it tends to be the opposite. And I feel disgusted with myself.
Every time I go home, he seems to have more whites than black strands.

Today, I feel like time is running out and I STILL don’t know how to tell them I love them. There’s a blockage somewhere, somehow. Words never seem to be flowing out, its never the right time. Because I’m a girl right, I need to say it at the right time.. and my dad is totally like, ‘WHAT?’ when there’s a 5 second pause – which is when I’m gathering my courage to say the words. Totally turn off.

But I do love you back. And its huge and enormous. I’m grateful. And I hope you know that under all that hostile personality I have. You can see it buried underneath somewhere. Please take note that this very paragraph won’t exist when we’re pissed at each other. Haha. Emotions.

Mom – If you’re reading this (which I know you will somehow) I LOVE YOU TOO. I’M A GOOD DAUGHTER. HAHA. I DON’T PICK SIDES. I can’t imagine a life without you both!

From Black to Colours.

Brightening up the vast skies and adding colours to the dull canvas.
The skies are dull just before the dawn. The darkest.

Then you see a glimmer of light. like a slice of cheese. Then growing rapidly. It then turns the sky greyish blue, sometimes purplish.

When the sun comes. You get to see burst of orange and pink accentuated with yellow.

And today – having the energy and time to see this. Totally blew me away. Makes me appreciate today more than every other rushed day.

So to speak, it fills my brain, fills my soul. Lets me rest.
The breeze in my face – takes me to another world with a different dimension. I find inspiration in times like these. Almost giving me new pair of eyes, new sense of smell to experience the same things differently.

So to speak of my love for quiet Sundays.

So much love.

#3

Be Kind, Be aware of your actions and how they impact others and will they bear good or bad consequences on others.

Above all, treat people with respect.

Not forgetting.

Not forgetting.

Comma,

The scene in my heart.

The scene in my heart.

Calmness.

P/S : While watching the stars on the way back home, I saw a shooting star. It was indeed magical. The sky was clear, vast – filled with tiny sparkling lights. Was really pretty.

It made me slow down. My thoughts and heart rate. Made me feel nice because I finally had the time to enjoy such beauty. and drink it all into my soul.

I made a wish. 😉

13/10/2013

All I need to hear is just me breathing.

I need to count my breath. In Out. In and Out. Again and again.
Repetitively – and close my eyes.

Today marks breakdown number 2. All these question in my head.
Questions questions questions. And thought thoughts thoughts. Pro and cons pro and cons pro and cons. The emails keep coming in. New emails. New emails. New mail.

The phone is ringing. The mobile is beeping. Beeping. Beeping. The work is piling. Piling. Piling. Piling. Piling. Piling.

Somebody. Save me. Please.

I’m getting lost. And I feel anxious, and scared. I feel like the walls are coming nearer and nearer to me.

Breakdown number 1 was last Saturday. I woke up from a nap – crying. Because I felt like I had the responsibility to save the world. to – SAVE THE WORLD. And I had to boil water, and wash the car, and to do the laundry. To be a A star employee. To be a good daughter to my aging parents. To buy a property. To buy a car. To be healthier.

To be nice. To be compassionate. To be kind. To be stronger.
To be the best I can be.

To be the person I want to be.
I can be.

I am so tired. What is it that I’m chasing.

That Same Spot.

I wished it was that straight.

I wished it was that straight.

Today my spirit is entirely broken. My mental strength and EQ has diminished to a point – where I reach a land of questions. No, no – question. ” Is it worth it? ”

What I am today, what will I be tomorrow, is how I think and act now.
I am the winner, and also the loser. Today I have generously pushed the winner streak to my inner critic. Letting it get to my head.

I wished sometimes it was easier. But I know for sure the way to the top is the hardest. Being nice is tough effort. Being patient and anger works as opposite forces but Patient can’t win most of the time.

When being silly makes me happy.

When being silly makes me happy.

Things I don’t Understand.

1) Why 1 is 1.

2) How physics work. It just makes too much sense that it’s mind-blowing.

3) What goes on in a parents’ head.

4) Why is there traffic jam?

5) Fibonacci Series.

6) Markov Chain. God – until today.

7) Why do fats in my body grows exponentially.

8) Feelings.

9) People.

10) Myself too.