Monthly Archives: January 2014

Dark side of the Moon.

While I was driving, speaking, thinking, disgusted with disbelieve.
I was struggling to control my breathing techniques, and had no control how quickly my blood pressure escalated from normal to abnormal.

Like a slow motion picture, I could feel my face boil. And I screamed and yelled.
At a poor soul who needed comfort and love.

I was angry and ugly, filled with blood tainted with stress. My thoughts were cut throat like as if I’m in a war. Fight or flight, there’s no in between for me. I forgot all the grey shades.Every shade of grey that could ever exist. The dull colour that cripples us from living. All the what if-s in life that we ponder. That fear that cripples and paralyses us from making the decisions of our lives.

I forgot how it FEELS to be human.

How did I be come like that. When did it start? How can I be two at the same time.

He;

To him whom makes my doubts all go away.

I’m starting to see the many faces of you. And I love all of them, even those I do not like, I love . I accept.

And sometimes I see the tenderness and gentleness in your eyes. Once in a while I see pain. Most of the time your eyes are happy . Other than that I’m just happy to see you sleeping like a baby.

You make me want to love again. You make me want to love more.

Owh your tender eyes. It’s just like your insides, kind and tender. I think you’re perfect. I really do.

Women and Behaviours.

Some men do not respect women.

I do not know why, but I’m constantly surrounded by people like that. And I feel the need to tell you that you guys can stop being jerks now and be respectful.

A lady is not an object. She is not here for you to use her, in anyway – for sex, or something for you to hold so you do not feel lonely. You are not to use her beauty, like, as if she’s some kind of trophy you fought for.

Respect doesn’t only come in that form. It also comes from the way you talk to her. Even if her opinions are not yours, you will not belittle her or to label her as ‘weird’. This is respect – you accept although it doesn’t align with your principles or values.

A man, should lead, they are born to lead. But you are never to make a lady feel less of a being just because she’s a lady. When a lady says NO, it means NO. You shouldn’t use emotional blackmailing to get what you want. That is downright disgusting… and disgusting, especially for men who are older than me. Shame on you. Using emotions to get what you want.
Scenario : The crying kid in the mart, trying to get his mom to buy him candy.

You know what, let me tell you what makes a man.

He means what he says, and he takes responsibility of his words spoken.

He carries the groceries. He changes the lightbulbs for you.He makes you coffee. He puts your needs before his. He takes your NO like a man. He accepts your opinions, without making you small. He wants the best for you. He wants you to grow. He willingly takes out the trash. He buys you chocolate cake when you need it the most – without asking. He leads you. He makes you breakfast. He buys you stuffs, just because. He waits for you. He gives without expecting.

Note that I have not talked about money, status and knowledge a man should posses.
Why?
Because you need to get the basics right before the small stuffs.

Right Left and Center

I wished I could choose better.

At the cross roads, except that there’s a million roads to take, not just four. The best part of this. I can be anything I want to be. The options are endless. But to choose one so that it alines with the true me, my principles and what I stand for in life, to also have a balanced life. To fulfil my purposes in life. Is a freaking feat.

I can be a boring brick, I can be an exciting brick. I could be something other than a brick too.

What happens to people whose brains a well balanced and centered, ??

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Lately, this is what I’m facing.IMAG0031

External voices;

You have to be like this, you should do that so that you can reach that level, you shouldn’t be so nice, or smiley, you should be like everyone else. Don’t stand out, don’t ask too many questions if you can – don’t ask questions. Never answer back, don’t react to anyone. Master your poker face. Do what everyone is doing. Follow what others have been doing, you will never go wrong.

Internal voice A;

But I don’t want to be like everyone else, I don’t want to fake who I am so I can please someone – in order to get that oppoturnity – that actually should be given readily to anyone, based on qualifications and worthiness. Listen bitches, I don’t try to stand out, I do stand out. I will always ask questions because I want to understand. I don’t want to just follow because you command me so, help me understand. I will always react, I’m human. Get a fucking robot if you don’t want it to react. Even Siri reacts. and Answers back. I am not a follower, if you want to be – you give me a reason to follow you.

Internal voice B;

But Vanessa, you know this is life. You always stick out like a sore thumb for no reason. And people will be people because they are people. Why do you let these people make you feel this way.

” I don’t know why, but sometimes they just get to me ” .

Then you learn to shut these people up. Can you stop caring so much?

” No, I can’t , because maybe .. what they are telling me is the truth, maybe I should follow, then my life will be much much easier ”

Look you want things in life, you want luxurious things, you want to be the best. And then you complain that its difficult.

“I know I shouldn’t complain, I’m being such a bitch”

Look at the great people, they don’t have balanced life, they work hard. They don’t comb their hair, they are crazy and they work and struggle for many years. And then get one big GREAT break. And you should work this way, you just have to be more resilient. more hard-working. smarter in handling emotions and situations. you will be there.

But there are rules and regulations this world has set so that you can be ‘ideal’. Never succumb.

********************

Yesterday was a horrible day, I felt small and everything was just not in place. But then God always has a way to remind me that He loves me, and there are many people who care about me.
By noon, I had chocolates on my desk from a wonderful colleague.

And I met, a wonderful man. Who spoke about hope, love and told be to be courages to be myself.
It was love to my ears. God sent on the right day. I have never met a man so matured, so tranquil and his quiet confidence helped me shut all the external voices.

And I stepped into a shop which reminds me of my past,

pileofcds

My dad used to make his own Hi-Fi speakers. such a music person – I can gladly say that I took after him. When I was little, I spent a lot of time in record stores as dad look through piles of these. And it comforted me. Because when I’m in the store, its always a nice soothing song – and it seeps into my being.

********************

Brokenness is when I hear my parents fighting and get physical. And as I sit there feeling helpless, I can see the eggs flying in the air, like as if the eggs was trying to kill my dad.
And I saw the peanut butter jars flew too. I love peanut butter by the way.

The worst feeling in the world, helplessness. And the kind of brokenness my heart feels. Mind-blogging. Makes me search my soul. My core.

If there’s a speech I could give, without my parents shunning me aside because I am younger therefore I shouldn’t even be speaking to them kind of thing’

” I wished you communicated more. I wished you can be happy. I wished both of you can be happy together, because you are old, and there’s not much time left you know? I wished you can just let the baggage go and just be happy. I wished you can see behind all these small fights there are many things in this world that can make you happy. But ….

I wished you know that love is a big thing, its so big and nice, and real love is warm and comforting. It’s not about keeping scores, about good things or bad things we have done to each other. Its about kindness and giving, in times when people don’t deserve it. The more you should give it.. ”

***********************

I’m hungry.

And I miss the stars.

This is life. The Ups and Downs that maketh me.

Here and There, and Everywhere.

Such a pleasure to meet you, now that I know you’re as boring as a brick. You can see yourself to the door.

He face was all moody and gloomy.

I wore a yellow shirt and looked like the sun.

and this song is in my head.

The room was well dimmed, and he said I missed you back.

I refuse to accept that I’m a cold person.

Maybe I am.

Laughs.

Waiting like an excited kid, for this movie.

I fell in love all over again with playing the piano.