It’s Dark and cloudy. I can’t see ahead.
She said, ‘Pass on your pain to God’.
I woke up today, without and inch of inspiration or drive to clock in, at my cubicle. What I call my job is, total passion. The art of buying is complex yet so fun for me. However I feel like I have been deeply marginalised due to my flamboyant character and colourful expression which I wear proudly on my pretty face. My work, I believe and stand firmly on this point that, it was a big growth in just one year, for me and the company.
Despite my efforts to try to be a part of this family. I feel more isolated then ever. I just do not feel I belong here, I mean I am very well aware of this fact since day 1. But it never really bothered me because I’m here. to do my job. To somehow change the direction of fashion in some way. And I’m deeply glad I have proven to myself that I can indeed.
But what I felt today, was just unexplainable. How did I get to this point. I do not know. I do not enjoy working with the people here. It’s never about my ways or their ways. I just do not understand the ways and methods here. And given my character I will always find new solutions and ways to solve things. This is often frown upon here and will be considered ‘weird’.
Honestly, I think what I do is always to innovate for the betterment of a company. But I guess people like consistency.. like the same methods for centuries.
I’m damn exhausted. God, you know how tired I am. How hard I try. How much effort I put in, into my job, or trying to keep the peace while doing my job. Or just how much I try to be kind. Or how I try to keep it all glued together. But today, I feel like giving up. I feel like I want to be the monster who ruins people’s day. I want to be the horrible bitch, and the screaming crazy ass lady at work.
But I don’t because I know i’ll regret it. And please, help me. God. Help me go through this. I do not understand, I do not accept but I’ll do it in a obedient way. Hopefully 2 years from now, I look back and I know what this is all about. What do you want me to learn? To speak up? To make myself visible, my voice to be heard, what do you want me to see? I’m not seeing it.
I’m bitter, because I think I’m way too innocent.
Please, place some kind souls in my way for today, tomorrow and the coming few days.