Monthly Archives: April 2014

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It’s Dark and cloudy. I can’t see ahead.

She said, ‘Pass on your pain to God’.

I woke up today, without and inch of inspiration or drive to clock in, at my cubicle. What I call my job is, total passion. The art of buying is complex yet so fun for me. However I feel like I have been deeply marginalised due to my flamboyant character and colourful expression which I wear proudly on my pretty face. My work, I believe and stand firmly on this point that, it was a big growth in just one year, for me and the company.

Despite my efforts to try to be a part of this family. I feel more isolated then ever. I just do not feel I belong here, I mean I am very well aware of this fact since day 1. But it never really bothered me because I’m here. to do my job. To somehow change the direction of fashion in some way. And I’m deeply glad I have proven to myself that I can indeed.

But what I felt today, was just unexplainable. How did I get to this point. I do not know. I do not enjoy working with the people here. It’s never about my ways or their ways. I just do not understand the ways and methods here. And given my character I will always find new solutions and ways to solve things. This is often frown upon here and will be considered ‘weird’.

Honestly, I think what I do is always to innovate for the betterment of a company. But I guess people like consistency.. like the same methods for centuries.

I’m damn exhausted. God, you know how tired I am. How hard I try. How much effort I put in, into my job, or trying to keep the peace while doing my job. Or just how much I try to be kind. Or how I try to keep it all glued together. But today, I feel like giving up. I feel like I want to be the monster who ruins people’s day. I want to be the horrible bitch, and the screaming crazy ass lady at work.

But I don’t because I know i’ll regret it. And please, help me. God. Help me go through this. I do not understand, I do not accept but I’ll do it in a obedient way. Hopefully 2 years from now, I look back and I know what this is all about. What do you want me to learn? To speak up? To make myself visible, my voice to be heard, what do you want me to see? I’m not seeing it.

I’m bitter, because I think I’m way too innocent.

Please, place some kind souls in my way for today, tomorrow and the coming few days.

 

Haha.

 

Every Once In A While.

You question yourself, ask if everything is meant to be the way it is. The shitty state of things make your wonder even more frequently if things are supposed to be the way it is.

Lately, I have been experiencing more projects being handed to me.Honestly, I love the idea, just not the workload. Haha. Not to mention the training session that I have to conduct.

While I was giving out one to about 30 staffs. I stood at the table doing my shit.

I was talking and talking and then I realised. How much I have grown.

 

First, they invite you to the table as a guest.

Then, in no time. You will be standing, giving the same speech you heard in the statement above.

At the moment, I had the answers to all my questions.

Obsession

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Ben Howard’s Promise song, currently in my head.

May someone will always be there to catch you, and bring you many shiny moments too.

Wake Up.

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How I wished that life would just be in black or white. At this moment, I think it will make my life so much more simpler.
Then again, I remembered that there are so many shades of grey in between right and wrong to consider.

I’m not even going to talk about the abundant choices of colours that we have.

Simplicity is boring.
Complication is apparently beautiful.

Fuck you.
Wake up.

There will never be white or black. Good and bad – as simple as you want it to be. Everything between zero and one, is what we tangibly, superficially, call – life.

Now and Then

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Hello Spring!

I’m having a kick-ass Monday. This is what good rest to do me. Helps me kick- ass!

Good day all lovely people! 🙂