Monthly Archives: May 2014

7 Days, and Counting.

Math is always difficult. Calculating is difficult. Calculating with pain in your heart is worst.

Its been 7 days since you left us. And I still feel you around. I still feel devastated, miss you terribly dad. Today I was doing the dishes and I broke down, because you always do the dishes. I miss see you standing at the sink doing your thing.

I miss you terribly.

I still walk the same streets, wear the same clothes. But it’s all a new dimension. How I long to feel normal again, like I didn’t have a hole in my heart. I wished for normalcy.

I somehow still, wanting to hear the machines beeping and want to see the waveric movement in your chest. I wished I could touch your face once more, I wished I could kiss your forehead, comb your oily silvered strands, rub your belly.

I miss you more and more everyday papa.

Are you listening. Are you there.

I love you.

The Day I Forgot My Watch

From my previous post, I’m guessing that many of you can roughly know that my dad has been pretty sick.

Saturday morning, the fateful day  that I forgot to wear my watch. And I truly wished that time stopped. Doctors informed us that there was no positive brain activity, and he was totally reliant on machines and medicines. We decided to let him go.

Off he went, at 10:42am.

and my heart, like as if it’s not there anymore.

A true fighter he was, he mentioned to my siblings that he was scared to die. I didn’t get a change to say goodbye, because I had a business meeting. And  this lesson is too painful to learn, at the cost of my dad’s life. And its fucking bitter for me to even look at myself in the mirror.

I miss my dad terribly. I told him I loved him, again and again. I wished he woke up and hugged me back. I wished that he would open his eyes and tell me everything is going to be ok. I know for sure everything will be ok, I know he is in a better place, I know he is not suffering anymore. But the reality stays that he is gone.

I watched the color drain off his face, I was there when the warmth left his body. I wiped all the liquid from his mouth that came out every time I kisses his cheeks. I wiped the blood from this nose. I slept beside him, my last hours with him, wailing, shouting, telling him I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him.

Just too sad. Just too sad. Just too sad.

Just too sudden. Too quick.

I can’t even get up from bed every morning.

I do not want to be strong. I do not want to be strong. I only have one dad, and he was the best thing that a daughter can have. I know for sure I will not find another man who loves me as much.I want to wail, and cry and remain un-glued. It is my very right, my privilege to mourn for my dad. I can do it only once, so please, if you see me crying, let me cry. If I am not my usual self, please be reminded that my No.1 is no longer there. Please don’t ask if I’m ok. I’m not ok. I will not be ok for a while. How do you think I’m feeling inside, really.

I miss his embrace, I miss his laughter, I miss his silliness. I miss him nagging at me. I miss him so much. I miss him more than any words can ever describe. I miss his voice. I miss his phone calls. I miss everything about my dad. I miss seeing him on his favourite chair. I miss seeing him sleeping on his side of the bed. I miss his snoring. I miss cooking for him. I miss him so much.

I used to call dad when I’m down, He always calls me to tell me he loves me.

 

I wished time stopped.

I wished time stopped.

I wished time stopped.

 

13955_221693816070_5813882_nI love you, please be with me. Please watch over me.I’m still too young. Still need a papa’s guidance. Still need your love. I will always love you. I’m so proud and lucky to have a papa like you.

 

Are you there? I know you’re there. But I don’t feel like you’re there.

I’m scared. About the many things I’m thinking about that can happen. I am sure you can go through all the rubbish in my head.

Can you please help? Can you please make him healthy again. Just please find away.

I’m so down. And scared. And anxious. So tired. Heart breaking to see dad sleeping for so long. I haven’t heard his voice in a long time, and I

……..

Papa love

I don’t want anything else in this world. I want you to be well. Nagging at me. Scolding me. Loving me. Waiting for me. Movies together. Fattening food together. Seeing the world together. Please please please God. Be with him. Watch over him. Heal him.

I’ll trade anything. For you to be well again. I love you papa. So much. Please fight on. I can’t imagine my workd without you.

I’m not ready and I know you’re not ready. So God. I know you have a  timeline for everyone. I don’t know when it’s his time, but it’s not now.

He hasn’t lived yet. Not like that.

Day 9.

Dear God;

Please listen. I know you’re listening. Now, is the time you step into this picture, and make all the pain go away. Make all his pain go away, make him well. I haven’t found someone who will ever love me as much. Please don’t take him away. I haven’t learn so many things about life from him. I still do not know how to fix the taps or cut pineapples beautifully. I still don’t know how to fill up my taxes form. I haven’t taken him to Uluru Rocks. We haven’t paint my room yet. I haven’t taken him to eat the best pork noodles yet.

So many things that I haven’t done with him.

This cannot be it. Please. I know there’s never a good time. Just not like that.

I know how silly I sound right now but I just cannot fathom a life without him.

 

Vanessa.

Day 8.

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Papa, its been a while since I heard your voice. Everyday and night I come to be by your side. I wipe your face, balm your lips and comb your hair. I have never held your hands, or kiss your forehead. Quickly realised that I shouldn’t have stopped doing so.

I think you’re too attached to, too many machines. Sometimes I can’t recognise you, especially when they place your body in a certain angle. You stubbles are growing pretty fast. And watching the ventilator help you breathe, is just plain heart breaking.

I know you’re tired, I am too. But you still have to find strength to fight these invaders. We just spoke about Uluru Rocks weeks ago. I know you barely recognise me when you last opened your eyes. This can’t be it.

 

I miss you papa. Please get well soon.

 

 

Self Soothe Level: One Million

On why I do not want to grow up.

I remember fondly.

I felt every feeling that came to me. No one told me ‘how’ to feel or to see things. I had the freedom to see as I pleased, to understand with my own capacity, I got to express my emotions. I got to say yes and no without restrictions, without hesitations, without complications, without feeling obligated. I asked for what I wanted – and we all know we will get what we ask for – sooner or later, eventually.

I often feel that being an adult, all are of the above are restricted. Its like I had the whole world, now I only have a gated, two by two area to express, to think, to act, to feel. I’m honestly kind of sick of the environment, I need to change my environment or change my dimensions at looking at this.

People who do not grow up, are the most rich, most mature. I often realised that, they are not defined by rules, traditions, society or culture. Where are these kind of people? Where are these kind of spirits that are not scared to do anything(sane and lawfully). I am in desperate need to be around to be these kind of spirits.

*****************************************************************************************************************

She said, He said ;

This is how it’s done, you will then follow. This is not our culture. Can you stop laughing. Be like a lady. Don’t do things others won’t do. Because I said so. Talk like everyone else does. Eat the things I am familiar with. Why do you always travel alone ( freakish looks ).

 

Most of the time I’m amazed with the people I’m around with. Its damn sad. They are leaders but they direct, not lead. They are supposedly far-sighted but so short-sighted. They are dynamic but fruitless. They project into the future but are backwards. They are open, but are so closed. They are effective but impotent.

 

I do not understand a lot of freaking things. Just can’t fathom why are things so ‘difficult’ when its so easy. I do no understand, but I accept. I accept in time I will have the answers to all my questions. In the mean time, I’ll just have ice creams with sprinkles.

Here’s a song, helps me get up everything.