Monthly Archives: June 2014

to all firefighters and builders.

Great thanks to all fire fighters, who as dropped everything and came to my rescue. To my builders, thank you for always helping me build my life again.I have a long long way to go.

They are rarely both at a same time. I would say I have a good mix of both. That I’m blessed to have friends who wants to be there for me. Thank you for your time, compassion, thank you for being so kind, thank you for being there when I need someone to just hear me cry. Thank you for sharing my pain.

The lost has been extremely huge. And until today, saying that my dad died is so difficult.

 

Miss you papa. Until the end of time. Love you to the moon and back.

30 days tag.

Because I’m like you. All of you. Who thought that my dad won’t die until he is old and happy. That he won’t leave me instantly.

That last breakfast was the last with him. And you’ll never know.

My pain grows everyday. My loneliness grows with every passing day. Everyday I feel I lose myself a little. Even when I’m surrounded with so many people, I feel this deep lost and this deep loneliness.

I try not to talk about it. Becuase it’s something people can’t fanthom, unless it happened to you.

Nothing else matters. Nothing else in this world matters anymore. I can’t hear anything but myself breathing. Myself crying.

So heartbroken, it’s so difficult.

Happy Father’s Day.

Papa. Happy father’s day. I miss you so much. I’m overwhelmed with the fact you died. I feel lonely. I feel lost. I have no fucking clue on how to deal with this pain or this emotional cloud shit.

Everytime I close my eyes. I see you. Every task I keep myself busy with I think of you. I miss you each day. Everyday every minute.

I try to feel better everyday. I tell myself. Ok dad would have want me to be strong and healthy. And for sure if you know I’m crying all the time, you would have yelled and ask me what the hell is going on.

Thing is, I’m angry. I thought we were going for holidays soon. And have so many laughing moments. And share all my pain with you. I’m terribly upset with Gods plan.

I call you sometimes, I wished you answered me. I left you many voice messages on your cell.

I love you till the end. And some days I wished the end is near. So I can see your beautiful smiling face. I wished I can touch your face. I will give anything to hold you again. I will give anything to hear you say you love me again. Are you there papa. Can you see me. Can you hear me. I’m in a pathetic state.

I love you, I wished you were here. We all would have been sitting at a table, celebrating fathers day and have cakeĀ  later.

I want you to be alive again so badly. I really need a father figure, I’m so raw. I can’t do this without you.

Where are you.
Where are you.
Where are you.

Are you happy. Have you eaten. Are you singing. Are you looking at me. Are you here. Are you with mom. Do you feel lonely. Do you have friends. Are you happy papa.

The pain grows each day papa.
There’s so much pain . Too much sorrow.

That place and a funeral

1) Drives to and fro that place is mentally exhausting.

2) It is where you learn that medical advancement are only for the rich.

3) It is where you learn who are your real rich and poor friends, financially and in character wise. Unfortunately the rich did badly on the character meter.

4) It is the place you truly know who are your real friends.

5) Is it the place you will learn that even if you had the money, money can’t buy you time and health.

6) It is also the place you realized that everything you worked for, didn’t really matter. And as you aged, your parents did too.

7) It is a place where conversation between you and the patient, is a one way street.

8) It is a place full of sadness and regrets. So much pain in that place.

9) The funeral place, is where people think they know the pain. They say shit stuffs to make you feel better, but there’s no feeling better with words or anything.

10) It is a place you will give anything, to make it just a dream. And return to reality. Where my dad is still smiling and happy. and alive.