What I really want to do.
Don’t you ever feel like your life is a stand still but its turning too fast at the same time? Most of the time, I feel like I have the slightest idea on what I’m doing, where I’m going. Of course not to mention what I’m doing with my life.
Then there are times, you just need to replicate old memories to make sure that, inside.. there’s the same person there. I feel like I’m changing too fast, or things around me change too fast. Wait a minute, what if I’m the too slow one.
I lost my dairy. I can’t find it. It’s filled with stuffs. I need it.
I’m roasting chicken today, with boiled potated and peas, smothered in balsamic dressing. And boiled broccoli with carrots on the side. Ice cream with Kahlua for desert. How nice! Just laughters and conversations with loved ones. Dad, wish you were here. Miss you much.
You know the best part of travelling? the transit. The airport stop. The train ride. The speed boat ride to the island. The hike to the top of the world. The going down to see the fishes’ home.
I loved the boat ride to the island. Loved. I love the feeling of ‘freedom’. Have you seen the seas, when you’re in between islands? Its vast and spectacular. Wind in the hair. For a moment, I forget all my worries and feel so small and insignificant. And its great that I feel so small.
That moment brings tears to my eyes, dad and I share the same love for nature. And for a while I almost forget that he died, and he is never coming back. And I will never ever get a chance to tell him how beautiful the world is to me.
You know, when you feel numb. It just blocks all your emotions, all your feelings. Just a numb feeling.
I remember the quietness while I lay beside I dad’s body in the hospital. While my siblings were busy dealing with the paperwork and undertaker. I didn’t want my ‘dad’ to be ‘alone’. I knew that he was afraid to die before time, so I thought that I could be there for him a while after.
No machine beeps. The air was cold, bone piercing cold. But not as cold as my dad’s dead body. He looked surprised. I just cried and cried. It just felt like I died too. And I remember all those times, I slept beside my dad, all the snoring. And now, just silence. Deafening to an extend.
The thing is, pain is pain. Hard is hard. I really love how people compare pain to others, justifying what pain is harder or more crazy. To make themselves feel better or worst..
Pain is pain. Sometimes I can’t breathe pain. Sometimes I need to cry like a baby pain. Other days it’s just like I am dazing kind of pain. Just wishing that it was a dream.
Pain is pain. It is not relative.
I lost something really important to me last week. And honestly guys.
I have been crazy, crying my eyes out. And the whole emotional roller coaster. happened.
And you know what, I feel awful. Like I have lost my sight. Losing my dad, losing this , this time around – threw me off balance. I’m still struggling as you can see.
Feels like all skeletons and skin again, having to build the foundation, of my vision, my soul, my almost peanut sized knowledge on trust and all fragile things in life. On top of that, act like I am ok with the lost and having to kickass. Owh the pressure.
But let me tell you something I’m proud of. I’m a human being, and I embraced the lost, I feel when I needed to. People see me as a coward because of the emotions that I’m experiencing, The tears that welled up in my eyes. They cleanse my soul and they make me see clearer.
You may have the dick, but Owh. I have the balls – you live your life like a choreographed dance. Bending and smoothing your edges hoping, to not feel pain or hurt. To be glued all the time, like a robot without imperfections.
Are you even living, – embracing life ?
You poor soul.
I advise you to stop sharing your dreams with people who try to hold you back, even if they’re your parents. Because, if you’re the kind of person who senses there’s something out there for you beyond whatever it is you’re expected to do – if you want to be EXTRA-ordinary – you will not get there by hanging around a bunch of people who tell you you’re not extraordinary. Instead, you will probably become as ordinary as they expect you to be.Kelly Cutrone, If You Have to Cry, Go Outside: And Other Things Your Mother Never Told You