Category Archives: Life

Say a little prayer


If you (ever have the capacity) the privilege and have the upper hand to choose who you can (want to) be.

Choose to reach out, choose to be responsible.Choose to tell the truth, choose to take opportunities. Choose to bridge the gap, choose to make things better. Choose kindness for yourself, and for others.

And of course there will be times, where and when you have no capacity to choose, because you are tired and weary because selfish and bad people exist, love falls apart and shitty things happens.

Choose to be thankful for all that you have- even in the midst of losing, Choose to be grateful for how far you have come, Choose to see the bigger picture, choose to walk away, choose to breathe and choose to be kind to yourself. Choose to see your worth from all the different eyes who loves you dearly.

 

I will love you for a thousand years too.

“When I passed from here to there, I knew your heart would break.
It’s here not there where I reside; in mountains, fields, and lakes.
In the break of each new dawn and when the sun goes down,
In birds and trees and skies of blue, you’ll know I am still around.
A broken heart I gave to you, no way to take that back;
Grieve for now, but don’t stay long in the hole that’s filled with black.
If I were there and you were here, you would clearly see
That you’re right there and I’m right here, it’s where I choose to be.
So dance and sing and laugh out loud, just like you used to do;
I know it’s hard, but you have to see that I’m right here with you.
And when you feel like crying, try and smile through the tears;
I hope you will remember, I will love you for a thousand years.
And when you’re feeling lonely, and you don’t know what to do,
Just close your eyes and read this letter, from me to you.”

Miss you daddy.

Word.

Outside of your comfort zone, there is a very uncomfortable zone.

There’s no flowers and chocolates there.
But you have to go there anyway – if you want to achieve something.

My light house

The moment i saw dad lying motionless on the hospital bed, my stomach flipped

I fully understood the meaning of losing him, Every second i prayed that he woke up. Because if he didn’t, there was no future.
And he didn’t.

It has been two years now. Still feels like the same raw pain.
Still feels like the same emptiness. Still feeling the same feeling of no one looking out for me.

Still can’t think of you without crying like a ugly person.
Still can’t talk about you. Still talk about you when we say grace before dinner. Still can’t be alone. Still can’t fix this.

I miss you papa. So much.I miss you.

Love.

And he encourages, knowing that you would success if you had the confidence. He tells you to look forward, to believe in the strength you have. He fires you up, believes in your craze. He offers to hold your hand.

And true enough you did it, with him at the background looking at you from afar, with proud confident eyes. In a place where he is alone and lonely and his love, is like none other. And yet He smiles, and he only wishes the best.

He creates the hope you can live in, build on, work with. Giving you all the light you deserved, and took none.

A huge big sacrificial love.

May You bless me with such experience again.
Why humans can’t love this way. We just can’t can we.

“Take her to the moon for me”.

If I were to tell you how blessed I am. You wouldn’t have the time for it.

Even I cant believe how blessed I am.

Dad and God has opened every path possible for me.
Everything that I have thought about, asked, questioned, and requested. Has one way or another present itself in front of me.
In His timing, of course.

Couldn’t for more, and for the pasts few days, I have been enlighten that I should stop asking for me.
Simple because everytime I expect more, I get more stressed and upset and then I try to buy happiness with money.
Nothing fills me but emptiness.

So, I’m just going to work hard to have more power to give, to empower, to guide, to fight for the underprivileged, the forsaken
For the people who can’t stand up, who cannot have a voice for themselves.
I will be their voice. I will fight for them.

And all is possible, only with Him.

May you, and papa. Continue to love me, and guide me when the going gets tough.
Help me know there’s no fairness in this world. Widen my wisdom to discern wisely on when
to love, when to cry, when to work harder, when to walk away.
Help me see things in dimensions I cannot.
Open my eyes.

The Day I Forgot My Watch

From my previous post, I’m guessing that many of you can roughly know that my dad has been pretty sick.

Saturday morning, the fateful day  that I forgot to wear my watch. And I truly wished that time stopped. Doctors informed us that there was no positive brain activity, and he was totally reliant on machines and medicines. We decided to let him go.

Off he went, at 10:42am.

and my heart, like as if it’s not there anymore.

A true fighter he was, he mentioned to my siblings that he was scared to die. I didn’t get a change to say goodbye, because I had a business meeting. And  this lesson is too painful to learn, at the cost of my dad’s life. And its fucking bitter for me to even look at myself in the mirror.

I miss my dad terribly. I told him I loved him, again and again. I wished he woke up and hugged me back. I wished that he would open his eyes and tell me everything is going to be ok. I know for sure everything will be ok, I know he is in a better place, I know he is not suffering anymore. But the reality stays that he is gone.

I watched the color drain off his face, I was there when the warmth left his body. I wiped all the liquid from his mouth that came out every time I kisses his cheeks. I wiped the blood from this nose. I slept beside him, my last hours with him, wailing, shouting, telling him I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him.

Just too sad. Just too sad. Just too sad.

Just too sudden. Too quick.

I can’t even get up from bed every morning.

I do not want to be strong. I do not want to be strong. I only have one dad, and he was the best thing that a daughter can have. I know for sure I will not find another man who loves me as much.I want to wail, and cry and remain un-glued. It is my very right, my privilege to mourn for my dad. I can do it only once, so please, if you see me crying, let me cry. If I am not my usual self, please be reminded that my No.1 is no longer there. Please don’t ask if I’m ok. I’m not ok. I will not be ok for a while. How do you think I’m feeling inside, really.

I miss his embrace, I miss his laughter, I miss his silliness. I miss him nagging at me. I miss him so much. I miss him more than any words can ever describe. I miss his voice. I miss his phone calls. I miss everything about my dad. I miss seeing him on his favourite chair. I miss seeing him sleeping on his side of the bed. I miss his snoring. I miss cooking for him. I miss him so much.

I used to call dad when I’m down, He always calls me to tell me he loves me.

 

I wished time stopped.

I wished time stopped.

I wished time stopped.

 

13955_221693816070_5813882_nI love you, please be with me. Please watch over me.I’m still too young. Still need a papa’s guidance. Still need your love. I will always love you. I’m so proud and lucky to have a papa like you.

 

Day 8.

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Papa, its been a while since I heard your voice. Everyday and night I come to be by your side. I wipe your face, balm your lips and comb your hair. I have never held your hands, or kiss your forehead. Quickly realised that I shouldn’t have stopped doing so.

I think you’re too attached to, too many machines. Sometimes I can’t recognise you, especially when they place your body in a certain angle. You stubbles are growing pretty fast. And watching the ventilator help you breathe, is just plain heart breaking.

I know you’re tired, I am too. But you still have to find strength to fight these invaders. We just spoke about Uluru Rocks weeks ago. I know you barely recognise me when you last opened your eyes. This can’t be it.

 

I miss you papa. Please get well soon.